I’ve been delving in to these educational, inspirational, conversational lectures of Alan Watts on Youtube. I come home from work, sit in my sanctuary (the bathroom) and just listen for hours until I can barely hold myself up and do it all over again.
In his many talks he often mentions the only way to get to know thyself is to be alone with thyself. To silence the distractions and listen to who you are.
Is say this in reference to my habitual hibernation of late. I like it, but only because I get to relax. I don’t have to say, act, appear, expect or anything of the sort in anyway. It’s very relaxing, but at the same time, it’s mind-blowing, soul-evoking, brain-beholding, heart-rocking, frighteningly-thrilling!
Today, I changed the site. It felt right, I was ready, am ready, is, who knows. I found a video of myself and Tina from about 3 years ago when we were at the climax of our relationship. It was a completely completely random stumble upon. I watched the 30 second window to the past and it was the very first time, I did not recognize myself.
Not only did I not appear to look the same to my future self, but as I watched, it was like I didn’t even know the people in that video. Like they never existed. However, simultaneously, I giggled at the memory of the day, knowing all too well how happy I was then, though petrified.
The clip was the two of us sending our love to Nate. Saying that we miss and love him at one point, Tina even says “I miss you so much” & “You’re the other half of my heart” which was not something she said often. Sitting there in my office at my desk engulfed in a frozen moment I imagined she was saying these sentimental expressions to now me. It was nice. It was sad. It was all I had. I wasn’t angry or mad, but instead I just laughed.
Things have been different after that. I’ve come to realize the people in that video are no longer, they’re passed. That once upon a time we were one in our togetherness and now we are two in our separateness. Not to say we’re not cosmically tethered through our spirit, but we’re two now.
It’s taken a long amount of enduring to accept this, but I must. Like the great, TIP ‘TI’ Anderson once said,
Oh, I been traveling on this road too long
just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead & gone,
dead & gone… “
Where to now?