Jealousy. Disguised as heartache masquerading as perseverance and growth. Jealousy. It was last night this thought came to me as I opened a new tab in my browser to force myself to look at photos of who I considered the love my entire existence with her boyfriend vacationing overseas. Forcing myself to acknowledge that she gives not a single slither of a blip about me. Only to convince myself that I’m thinking with my ego and that none of that is true, just how I am coping and moping and doping and roping and hoping myself in to oblivion.
Then as if it never even came, I had a thought so profound that it’s just now hitting me 24 hours later with the degree of clout one would expect from receiving news that disorients and inveigles. It really hit the head on the fucking head, makes so much sense it’s nonsensical, like so true I am seeking answers to present that would prove it false. I’m coming up with only more ways to support it.
For the last three years of my life, for three years I have drank myself, hospitalized myself, disdained myself, financially raped myself, sold myself, embarrassed myself, lied, cheated, stolen, and destroyed my very being all in the name of love, or so I convinced myself. I told myself anything necessary to hide from the pain. Blamed everything on the others, claimed innocence, dressed in a false pretense, donned in a gown threaded with lies and a veil of remiss whimsy lacking tact and faith in what “was” and “it” was never “that”.
A few days ago my manager, Juan (only Juan can know me) asked me, “why do all these things keep happening to you?” It has hit me the reason why I am repeatedly victimized. As with any other story, it all began with a girl only this time I’m the girl I’m going to explore. At the very roots, there was one thing that fueled this entire fuego de mi vida.
Basically, I am jealous of her. Why does she get to be free of the torment I suffered? Why does she get a better job? A relationship of love? A nice and easy life free from heartache & strife? Most of all I’m jealous because she didn’t victimize herself like I did. Then go on to bury the reason under anything and everything. I was never sad. I mean, at some point I’m sure I was, but when did it turn to jealousy? That’s the moment I slowly lulled myself down the dark path to damnation.
If I no longer want to be held back, pulled down, sucked in, discorded by discourse, I must rid myself of the jealousy which I harbor, stop victimizing myself, face my shortcomings, and dive into the murky mentalities which lured me here and destroy, tear down, and vanquish them all one-by-one.
No idea how I’m going to do this. But at least this time it will be a journey on to something worth it. I guess I should start at forgiveness.
I’m not upset with myself for all the lying and pain I put myself through to validate the truth. It’s not like I was ever taught how to be, which is why I learned how not to be. To be or not be, it was never a question because it was never an option. But now that I am coming to know how not to be, by living out the only option I have, to be.
To answer Juan’s question… all these things always happened to me because I was living my life “not to be”, but as of now… this very moment I am living my life “to be”.
It’s a few weeks, maybe 3 or so, after I came to this conclusion and something else is clear to me. Life is all about both to be & not to be, because by doing one the other is automatically done.
Example: To be upset with someone is not to be understanding or not to be empathetic. To be mean to someone is not to be kind or generous.. so on and so forth.
I posted this on IG 7 days from this day (MAy 19, 2017):
The question is not, “to be or not to be” that is the answer. The question isn’t even a question. It’s a literal journey on which we embark from birth and conclude upon death.
Quest… I… On
Yep, there’s a QUEST I ON too and that quest I’m on baffles, infuriates, inculcates, repudiates, and frustrates me so beautifully and profoundly that I have yet to figure out how to separate me from I and I from it.