Here. Now. I am there now. My last post, was well over a year prior hence.
May 25, 2017… seemingly a totally different existence.
The date given to this moment of today, is July 5, 2018, it’s night on a Thursday. Tomorrow I leave for Colombia, to link up with an old friend who is traveling all around the world, to find the only thing we all seek. A lovable version of “me”. I dare not say the same is not true of me. My mouth would taste of hypocrisy and deceit and I just had pizza, it’s a taste I’d prefer to keep.
I wouldn’t know where to begin about all the experiences that have come and gone since my last chapter’s revelatory regalement, there is no where to start really because you can’t start something until you’ve stopped something and I’ve done seemingly a lot of nothing. Or mostly the same thing over & over and never really over it was I getting. Except in the way where I was forgetting.
In two days it will be my 34th year of counting the years I’ve been out of the womb. Splashed through a whole wrought with doom. Colored with hurt, pain, & gloom. Oddly, plenty of space, yet somehow there’s not enough room. Seldom, have I accomplished anything without the motivation of needing another thing in which to prove. Only causing me to leave again, or myself to re-move. I’ve not been anything other than the result of that which I choose. I’m really tired, of perpetuating that ruse. I think it’s time I surrendered to love and no longer refuse. Meaning, no more hiding behind my words for refuge or succumbing to my moods giving in to tempts towards abhorrent attitudes.
It’s only too perfect I would get stuck when it came time to provide a truth focused on “U”. Maybe, because I knew what I would have to do… drop the “u” from “you”, which leaves “yo” (which is “I” in Spanish) and before I wasn’t ready to be my reason to grow. I didn’t want to think I was without you or that you were without I, to really know. Or acknowledge the end of a moment, the truth in the lie, give up hope.
It is with grief I must let go and leave you behind. If only to allow my opportunity to shine, but not in pain nor in pride, but in unification of growth from inside. U-N-I-T-Y because in order to start something new, something old must die. As of right now, I can no longer try, as of this moment, I have only myself, I have only I. Because, with no “u” there is only I. That of course means after all this time, I have finally separated from in order to realign.
This finally answers one of the biggest questions of my life:
You and I, Tina…why?
Because, to unify, “u” invariably comes before “I” followed by fy (-fy definition, a verbal suffix meaning “to make,” “cause to be,”)
Thank you for your help on my path to see in between what I is becoming.
I wonder what double you, will provide…which would be both you and I, together forever side-by-side…