With great power comes great failure…
Many times I’ve found myself full. Not from overeating, but from overlooking my failures and not taking responsibility. No one could tell me anything, I was full of excuses, full of fears, full of myself, full of ideas, full of shit! It wasn’t until it dawned on me that the thing which filled me, thrilled me, and willed me… was absolutely nothing. I was full of nothing.
It’s not that I wasn’t actually full of nothing, because I was full of fear, doubt, shame, guilt, negativity, unrest, depression, regression, dejection, and I’d spent a better part of my life running, hiding, denying, crying, lying, deflecting, projecting essentially anything I could do to avoid facing instead of embracing each of those influences. After all, I’d convinced myself these were my go to factors in determining my self-conduct, goals and everything. I was building a personal construct on the foundation of nothing. Because, not only are those beliefs detrimental, but they’re concepts of constructs of a broken & poorly facilitated society and I victimized myself as a coping mechanism for feeling inferior.
S0, I drank. I drank a lot. I drank a whole lot. I don’t think you understand. I. Drank. Too. Much. Under the guise of having fun, being happy, procrastinating, avoiding, denying, forgetting. I didn’t want to grow up because I was afraid of the idea, but I wasn’t afraid. I was ungrateful for the fortunes that were bestowed upon me and this made me feel guilty, ashamed, disgraced, like a failure. Sure, it wasn’t all bad I developed a keen sense of humor as a lithe way to view life and situational compromises. I used television and writing as an escape to assuage my irreverent issues with family, temporarily. Then one day I was done. I’d gotten full of emptiness and I was no longer able to accept myself.
I know, I know… a head scratch moment is nigh, but the point I’m getting at is, I was never truly happy, comfortable, or proud with myself. All those factors which I neglected to acknowledge were the filter in which I used to guide my intentions, perceptions, and conceptions, when they were really inceptions, persuasions and deceptions.
It wasn’t until I was able to come to terms with my profoundly precarious proclivities that I could address the feelings and be on the path to finally understanding what it meant to be grateful.
For a long time I thought being appreciative or grateful of the innumerable amount of blessings I had the fortune to enjoy just meant saying “thank you” or having fun, living my dreams, vocally expressing my gratitude and cooperating with the silent rules that had been assigned to the circumstance of my personal relationships I cultivated with people.
For Ex: When I would bear the brunt of a joke intended to make my culture come off as deplorable, lazy, broke, late, or any other stereotypes of black people, I’d just go along with it. Spouting off some quips about not identifying with black people thus distancing myself from the responsibility of dealing with the accusations instead of defending or honoring my lineage and their resiliency. I did the same when people compared me to women, lesbians, rich kids, alcoholics, etc etc. I deflected it all maintaining the appearance that I was different.. when one day I realized it was a facade. I am black, I am a woman, I am a lesbian, I was a rich kid, I am an alcoholic, but most importantly… I am myself and that is the one difference I have from everyone else.
When I began to acknowledge and accept what it meant to be “black me”, “lesbian me”, “woman me” so on and so forth this is when I learned that being grateful meant absorbing all the good, the bad, and the unknown as a loving gesture designed specifically for my process of ascension. Eventually, I stopped detrimental & demeaning that were robbing me of the freedom to express, impress, and progress to a place of constant success.
I no longer saw my inferiority as a deformity, but merely things I needed to strengthen and work on spiritually. I no longer hold back when I need to express myself, I use my heart as a guide instead of my ego, I finally stand up for myself, I’ve come to trust my gut and can admit when I am wrong and it is all so beautiful. I am eternally grateful for the strength and courage I embody and I am grateful that the universe gave me & still gives me so many opportunities to better myself each day by challenging me, rewarding me, and loving me.
I am not the weaknesses I exhibit. I am not the strengths I embody. I am the result of universal fruition. I am grateful and godly.
Coming to terms with my insides were scary to say the least, but once my insides began to evolve naturally my external world became an environment of hostility and that couldn’t be. As within so with out…