When I first began my journey to no more hurting I remember being asked a question by a guy I’d met a few days prior.
Back then I was running with a group of people that I didn’t really fit in with, but at the time I resonated with. They were all fighting, denying, or crying inside and I was doing the exact same. It was easy to relate to their unavoidable pain and listen to their woeful wails than acknowledging my own. We always met in a room full of shit we didn’t own, need, want, notice, care for, ask for, or ever dealt with it. We’d all be awake throughout the night drinking, laughing, hiding, lamenting, professing, digressing, basically anything that wasn’t embracing that which we should’ve been facing.
One night one guy asked me, “what do you do when you are up all night?” He was accustomed to people working on bikes, or trying to score in any way they could, people jacking others, bouncing around from spot to spot, etc… but no I was on a different mission. One that brought up a lot of inquisition, so my answer shocked him, he wasn’t prepared for such an admission. How did I use my time high so I wouldn’t cry, trying to face my lie, but still I would hide from the world I contrived. However, in this realm of wrong, I could only truthfully respond, “I read a lot of psychological articles and try to make myself become a more understanding and better person”
It was legit. I would read for hours on end. I spent my time online at various websites and would scour how I could teach myself ways to love and empower myself. It was mostly a venture in educating myself on different way to assuage my pain without external help. Here I was experiencing the most tumultuous split I’d ever known and I was doing it all alone. All the while appearing like I was not bothered by being in the forsaken zone. Mostly, because I’d become so well adept at justifying.
I accepted nearly any advice that focused on ameliorating my pain, something to sate my internal disdain, tips on staying away and building strength to refrain. I was researching answers to actions of her and why our relationship seemed so simple for her to shirk and I couldn’t get it out of my head nor escape, nothing seemed to work.
I talked to everyone I knew, spoke with anyone who’d listen, tried anything and everything including a replacement lover and the facade of imposition.
I kept a daily log of my feelings and thoughts. It helped a little bit for release, but was more a reminder of my personal faults. Which was necessary as well, yet still didn’t provide me with the closure I so deeply sought.
It was too much to endure. I had to figure out another way to grieve and not that did not involve scorn.
One desperate, lonely night saturated with pure sadness, anger, brokenness, solitude, sorrow, I prayed, begged, implored, any God or universal cosmic force to delete her from my life and to release me from this prison of peril. The anguish was too deep, the animosity was too much, that to even know that she was breathing without me there made made me wallow in self-disgust. Yet still the mere thought of her caused my heart to bust. This is when it occurred to me that love is the strongest force a human should trust.
It wasn’t until 2 years later (a few months ago) I finally got some closure causing the torment to finally be over. I’d stumbled upon a video about soul mates and twin flames, the runner and the chaser, basically explained to me why I was unable to erase her.
The rest is history, nothing ever made more sense than when I was able to absolve the mystery. It’s not that she doesn’t care, in actuality she’s in love with me. Except, I couldn’t recognize it and she wouldn’t. It evokes all the fears that brought her tears from her first memories of being ensnared, unable to feel when someone cared and when they did she wasn’t prepared. She was me. I am she.
It clicked in an instant what was I was truly resisting. The very thing I was trying not to do is what I needed too.
I wasn’t in love. I was in fear. All of my actions, retaliations, distractions, each and every single thought and infraction was based on fear…
Once I realized my fear I turned to love for guidance.