Oh Pen!

There was a clothing store my mother always took us for school clothes, called Mervyn’s. Mervyn’s had this commercial that I loved for no particular reason all it was, was a woman with her face pressed against the glass pane saying “open open open open open open open…” and she continued to do that until the commercial faded out.

You are Mervyn’s. I am the  lady. Once you’ve managed moving onward you will need to open. Open your heart, open your mind, open your spirit, essentially open yourself to the opportunity for a new beginning and possible options available to you.

This is where the process gets a bit… convoluted or vexing. For me, the last thing I wanted to do was experience everything I’d already traipsed, trudged, and trundled through all over again by putting myself out there with my vulnerability showing. Oh hell no! That was not going to happen! I shutdown the heart space and opened up a whole new sector. This was my protector. My new persona was all queued for my protector.

I was accumulating “friends” left and right, people always gossiped,  and I was finally being noticed… not iced… I became the most popular, most wanted, most successful, most praised person anywhere and everywhere. Except, I was not happy.

Since I had closed myself off & was determined to prove that I am spectacular and that not wanting to be with me when you had the chance. >None of the attention ever proved satisfying or developmental in any capacity…. actually it was more of a hindrance because it was the illusion of doing well, but the reality was I  was still in hell.

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So, I am continuing the writing of this piece exactly 1 month & 1 day after I first started writing it (beginning at the >) and I did it at 11:11pm PST or 2:11amEST on 02/21/2017 or 02/22/2017… which just got a bit stranger because the person that imbued the return to this post lives in EST time zone…

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A little background. A very dear, very longtime, very close friend of mine visited me in LA at the end of May (also funny because it was the very first day I interviewed with JRLA and I was promoted yesterday approximately 9 months later to the day)

Anyhow, I was an absolute terror and destroyed any modicum of respect my friend had for me and I believed myself to possess. I’d been neglecting to address, profess, and confess any and all emotions and bla bla bla until a few weeks ago after seeing the man plummeted from 11 stories and land right before my eyes, that I needed to take action because this lingering loom of gloom was taking it’s toll on my spirit. My friend answered me back, but I just haven’t had the time or courage to read it until I did tonight.

I find it absolutely astonishing the way the universe brings us full circle. In the beginning of this post I mentioned that I abhorred having to re-open old case issues so-to-speak in fear of having to deal with the wounds resurfacing. Yet, here I was doing just that and to my profound astonishment the message I received was straight from the heart and very piercing to my own, as I must take responsibility for breaking the heart of someone who only ever has had my best interest in their intentions. I am ashamed and must come to terms with understanding my weakness & fear based choice to do so. The thing I feared the most is the thing that has given me reasoning & strength to rectify… opening up. In order to progress you have to regress at your own behest and battle that which you detest and you will most certainly become your best. I’ve been standing at the doorway, but I never took a step. Staring at the paper, but never took the test. Now, I can finally lay that time of detest to rest and no longer clutch to trying to suppress.

I will post the messages we exchanged because surely to experience beauty you must first know the experience of having caused so much pain to a fellow and a true friend. I know understand the purpose of my experiences of late regarding matter of the heart and the lack thereof. I’ve not been open & therefore I’ve not allowed myself to see.

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My initial “farewell/fare well” message and her response
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Finally, I muster strength to reply
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And go on to confess my burdens & profess my fears
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and top it off with gratitude & honesty

Heavy is the heart that knows only of scorn. Mervyn’s lady had one thing right and that’s you will never gain value if you’re not open to it.

Principal of the physical