Change. Care Fully

“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever.

For those 5 years when I was with Wendy… I remember thinking we were exact opposites, but appeared very similar. I used to say we were each other’s mirror. Exactly the same opposite.

I’ve come to understand the veracity of that connotation as she externalized many of the things I internalized. Instead of being forthright I’d victimize myself to gain sympathy and garner favor, making me feel powerless and unworthy. Wendy, expressed her disappointment vehemently with little regard making her come off as tough, but in her mind she was covering for feeling powerless & unworthy …. exactly the same intrinsic emotions, completely opposite execution. Once I was able to actually SEE what was going on, that we were intoxicating for each other. I knew the only way to ameliorate was to separate, it was the only way to alleviate.

I saw in her what I despised about myself and she saw in me what she despised about herself and all we were doing was continuously projecting on to each other

Our day is rife with choices from the most minuscule to the inescapably imperative. Our choices are what shape our experience of life.

Which means, nearly everything you feel, have, lack, excelled at and failed at, was all your choice. Sure, there were external outlying circumstances that encumbered your attempts or guided you, but ultimately you made the choice that lead to another choice that lead to another choice that lead you to here.

Let’s back pedal a bit and think about when we were children and we got a scratch or cut. We’d adhere a bandaid to cover the wound and we would leave it there until the wound healed. It’s no different with our internal wounds. Except, those wounds don’t really heal and instead of a bandage in the sticker sense the bandage is a metaphor for a toy, money, ice cream, cake, staying up late, gifts, and many forms of distraction that causes the wound to be buried under or at times re-opened, thus nothing ever heals properly. And while you were taught to clean cuts and wounds with soap and water, no one ever taught us how to cleanse all the cuts, tears, and wounds accumulated throughout years of being neglected, misunderstood, shamed, and let down. allusion flagellation laden repudiation turpitude.


Additional note:

The photo of “Wendy” and I on her bed in her room was taken by our third roommate after I had returned home after not seeing Wendy for a few weeks I just wanted to kickback and relax with her. This is a great example of how we are each other’s reflection.

In the photo we are doing the exact same thing lounging in bed working on our matching computers, with the same leg rested atop the other, but we are unconsciously completely opposite. My hair is down, Her’s is up. My sleeves are long hers are not. My arms above hers are below, I’m wearing shorts she is wearing capri pants. I have on socks she does not.

So much of the message expressed in this photo shows us displaying our non disclosed emotions. I am very open and relaxed… I am exposing my entire body physically but I am still uncertain about my comfort below the belt, however I am covering myself with clothes

She is tightly controlling and covering herself with crossed arms and crossed legs, but she’s wearing less cover. Once again we have the same concerns and do the same exact opposite reaction.