Doubt Route

Decisions must be made once you’ve made a choice to be the responsible party for your experiences from here on out.

When I came to a point in my journey where I was deciphering whether I was to conduct myself one way or another it was strange for me. Like wearing a brand new leather jacket that wasn’t quite my size. I had to force myself to act what I discerned as right, but I felt unnatural, because it wasn’t my usual response. This caused me to harbor many dubious thoughts…

Am I doing the right thing?

Is this the direction I need to be or am I retaliating out of fear?

What, if anything, should I be doing?

Am I being pretentious or insipid?

Why can’t I just leave well enough alone?

I doubted every choice I made because when I was making choices back then I was not making them  out of the heart space, I was making them out of spite or fear or worry and that was why I was doubtful and stuck in a rut. I thought I was changing, but I wasn’t sure on the surface I convinced myself I was choosing the optimal routes, but nothing in my life was getting any better, everything was either the same or worse.

Once I was able to recognize that I wasn’t changing my internal world even though I had changed my external world… it wasn’t genuine to becoming true to myself. So, I began to follow my heart and not be afraid to express myself thus beginning to expand my comfort zone and reveal more of my being by not hesitating, hiding, or simply agreeing with someone just to placate them. I began asking myself what I feared and I would make an attempt to face it.

For example: In my group of friends at the time I would harbor much information pertaining to the secrecy and phoniness each person held for each other. That was no longer acceptable to me being honest with myself or anyone I considered a friend, thus I started being open about how I felt for people If I didn’t like them, I didn’t pretend to, if I loved someone I told them. It was scary, but it relieved much anxiety and I was able to see who I truly was and I no longer had the want, energy, need to hide.

When I decided that I was only going to be genuine there was never any residual rancor. My retaliatory actions were no longer of trite nor fueled by animosity. My responses were imbued by strength and powered with love. Since I was coming from a place of love and self acceptance many other illusions began to appear and I was able to overcome them with ease resulting in my external world changing as my internal world evolved.

People began to turn on me, those very same people who said they respected me and dare not dream of destroying the friendship we cultivated… more like a friendship we placated. Other relationships began to fade away by no fault of anyone, simply the paths we were upon were no longer intertwined.

The fear dissipated and was no longer the expression I anticipated. It was replaced with confidence and assurance. Where I wasn’t comfortable, but in a sense of knowing I am till getting better and learning more. I didn’t want to be content, I wanted to be conscious.

This all seems easy to conceive in the beginning. Don’t doubt yourself, love yourself! And the other trillion meme’s on the internet geared toward influencing you that you’re perfect and need to change still, it’s no wonder we’re all screwed up! We are told we can do anything, that we’re perfect, that other people are the problem, but no that’s incorrect. We are our greatest asset & our greatest enemy.

Once, I, to the best of my ability, understand how POWERFUL and HUMBLING that statement is, there was no doubt left in my mind. I am a powerful entity. I am in control of my reality, but I have repeatedly been allowing my bravado to patch things up and patches were no longer passing as acceptable padding. Leaving me to my own assessments and assumptions.

All very well and good, because I’d taken a step in the right direction and was able to admit that I have more worth than I was giving myself credit for and needed to begin trusting in myself and my strengths. Which means I went from doubting myself to causing everyone, except myself to doubt me because I was hopelessly laden with irresponsibility and excuses as to why I was spending every night celebrating and there was nothing I was achieving. Naturally, I rolled out the ol’ reliable defense mechanisms and made excuse after excuse until whatever growth came as a result of my dalliance with dubiousness was decimated.

It’s not like I knew any better. No one ever taught me how to love myself, but excuses seemed to be a great way to garner sympathy & keep family members off my back about my future and my whimsical demeanor.