There’s a saying that states, “as within, so with out”. If you feel chaotic inside, but suppress instead of express then your external actions, world, and even habitat will reflect what you feel yet neglect.
In retrospect I see now every time I moved somewhere new. The location embodied the emotions I was afraid to acknowledge. It was a lot like I was switching rooms, but always staying in the same place. As told by my metaphorical recount.
Upon arrival at my intended destination was a Hostel. It looked okay and located within an area that was general. I was greeted by the owner, a soft spoken, kind individual. There were several rooms from which I could choose to stash my things and catch a snooze. The owner handed me a key and said it would open any door I need and to choose carefully and to think before I decided where to proceed. Naturally, I chose what was more familiar to me at the time and went with the room shared with travelers all about the party life. I opened the door and joined the party. Never once allowing time to rest my body. There was never a moment of dull, time seemed to race by at a lull. This room was great, I thought, I met so many people and my place was always the cool spot. After a while my body was depleted from not getting what I needed, but I was having so much fun, I did not want to leave it. Time went by and the party went on and I began to notice things were wrong. I was no longer happy with the circumstance as a result I no longer wanted to dance. I was too hungry to expend energy which resulted in my not wanting to party. When I expressed my displeasure, my friends swayed with weather. When I lost the zeal the party became dark and lost it’s appeal. It was then I knew, I had to leave the party room.
For room number two, I took a moment to think before I would choose. No more partying, no more fun, a place I can relax, a place different from my first one. I used the key and it worked for me. The door swung opened and there was a king sized mattress where a dance floor used to be. I threw my exhausted body down and let the blankets swallow me whole. How long I slept for is still unknown. I woke up refreshed and revitalized! With a different, yet familiar traveler looking in my eyes. The traveler went on to explain, that the room was not my domain. I didn’t want to fight so I just said fine, but after a while I began to miss my old life. I snuck out that night, but nothing was right. I wasn’t allowed to be at the party, traveler’s I thought were friends didn’t know me. Inside, I felt lonely. I didn’t want to seem lame so I figured I’d make some new friends that were the same. I waited for the traveler with whom I share the hostel room to go away and threw a party and some, but not many people came. That was fine with me there were enough to feel pleased until the traveler with whom I shared the room returned displeased. My new friends all left me alone and the traveler with whom I shared the room was no longer speaking and that’s when I knew. I’d been isolated myself and loneliness was all I felt, I thought if I didn’t have to deal with the party that nothing could harm me, but I didn’t think about what was best and I promised this time would be different from the rest.
After rooms one & two, I knew what I had to do. I had to take charge of my life and carefully review. Room number three. Had to be the room for me. I knew it was going to be different even though I used the same key. I got a room all to myself, which was strange at first because that happened so rarely, but I counted my blessings figuring rooms 1 & 2 prepared me. I was elated to have solo time, but inside I felt confined. I was always nervous about being left behind and when/if another traveler or travelers were going to arrive. Finally, when I thought I had it all figured out, it was time to pay, but nothing was in my account. After paying for all the booze for the all the fun, all the food for the everyone, all the new room switch ups, I had no more friends, no more fun, no more ideas except for one. I knew I needed to leave. This hostel was admittedly too hostile for me.
I packed my items and gathered my things. I paused at the ingress and inhaled the memories. When I got down the stairs and returned the key. The Owner said to me, “You can have it all, everything, but you will always be empty when it’s your own needs you’re neglecting.” The Owner was right, I had been destroying my life just to make other travelers feel nice. That’s when I decided to leave the hostel and exhale those memories. That was no longer the life for me. When I walked outside the door, the hostel disappeared and was no more and a golden road appeared with a sign that read:
Now you must confront your fears.
So, I proceeded down the golden road, even though I was scared because anything was better than being stuck in that Hostel atmosphere.