F! Or Give…

One of the greatest lessons I learned amidst all the changes I was experiencing was the basis to fully embracing the concepts of letting go, moving on, confronting my inadequacies, taking responsibility, growth, etc… It’s strange, because it was something I figured I always knew how to do and had already done (like most of these concepts) alas I was mistaken. Using powers of super introspection and learning to avoid avoidance, I came to finally understand and embrace the act of forgiving.

It is always said that it feels better to give than to get… yet it’s one in the same. By giving you ultimately get satisfaction from your contrition. However, when it comes to giving or getting for yourself you cannot have one without the other. You cannot forGET if you do not forGIVE.

How can you forget something if you haven’t taken the steps toward ameliorating the issues that persist in you? You will never forget them because you have not faced them and therefore are doomed to constantly find yourself in the same situation until you are no longer shoving it to the back of your mind. Because, you may not be conscious of it, but you never really forget anything, block it out, fog it over, ignore it, whatever, but you will always in one way or another, until you trace it, face it, and embrace it… you shall always be enslaved by it. After all the back of the mind operates your vision and by shoving unwanted experiences to the back of your mind you are unconsciously placing all your problems right in front of you.

What’s that saying? “The best hiding place is right in front of you”

The way I went about understanding the finesse of forgiving was when I began to stop making excuses when it came to encounters I was patterning. At first, I was doubtful of my assessment, like I couldn’t really be befriending the same heartless human over and over, but of course I was because I would make excuses that made me believe I was fine with the way they treated me and it didn’t matter they disrespected me, it was no big deal! Nope! I needed to change that because all I was doing was ignoring the feelings of betrayal, uselessness, worthlessness, and inferiority that I was actually feeling. Once, I was able to come to terms with the fact I felt inferior and deserved respect I knew there was only one person that was making me feel the aforementioned emotions and only one person could assuage me of those burdens which would lead to me finally accepting my faults and failures.

Me.

From here on out I am going to tell speak in the third person about Darina, because I being a more evolved version of herself today than she was when she was learning how to ascribe these actions to her ascension, which by the way, she had no idea she was doing. Before I go any further, let me state very clearly that Darina and I are one in the same. We share the same everything and without her fortitude and courageous demeanor I would not be here today. For the purposes of moving out of her head space and gain outside clarity we think it’s best she tell the rest of the process through my view of her than her view through me now. She will be referred to as Darina and I will be known as Parker, same person, same beliefs different approaches.

Darina forgot to mention one very pertinent obstacle she overcame in order to appropriately exercise her spiritual muscles. That aspect is she was finally able to confidently and objectively admit when she was wrong, mistaken, needed help, and stand up for herself while she held her ground. There’s that courage I mentioned. Her first act in standing up for herself was when she severed her passionate and profound relationship with Tina. From, then on Darina was able to recognize when to stand up for herself & when she needed to concede.

Knowing this made it easier when she was ready to admit her faults to herself . However, it did cost her a place to live and she was homeless and living on various friend’s couches. No money. No where to go. No idea. No possible foreseeable positive solution.

Until… the day that would change everything. The night she was born anew as the tears flowed freely, she did a reboot.

That night, I, Parker was born. Darina, re-branded. I, Parker, was everything Darina wanted to be. sexy, fun, flirty, unafraid to express, honest & open, sexually fluid, popular, cocky yet lovable, fearless yet practical and unapologetically prodigal. In turn that belief and confidence caused  a wildfire to spread throughout the land (coincidentally there were many brush fires spreading throughout Southern California). Everyone was becoming to know of the entity, the anomaly, the effervescent, Parker.

Parker, I, stood up for myself when people tried to condescend me. I managed to maintain a detached yet respectful demeanor. Soon, thereafter, many things began to change. I was well respected. People listened to me and followed my instruction. I was definitely on the right path and I would not be looking back. A gateway opened and I walked through it. I was on to the next portion of the party after I’d let myself forgive people who knew, know better & forget the advice that wasn’t salubrious thus allowing me to finally see that I needed to let go of Darina’s hopes and forge onward to Parker’s presents.

Darina achieved her dream, she moved to LA and made it more or less on her own, toward the of her reign she dropped, the ball, but I got her back. She believed in me and for that we are eternally grateful.

Thank you Darina, for giving me for getting you.

I’m full of great. I am great full!

 

ADENDUM

June 13th, 2017

It’s 10:40PM. I, Darina Parker, have been going through old photos, writings, etc… and came upon this and thought it needed a bit of an update. Since, I first wrote this about 6 months ago and even longer since I first conjured this in my brain, much has changed.

My view is no longer so selfishly focused on me, but is certainly solipsistic in the sense of the more I help myself, the more in turn help others. Understanding, comprehending, wisdom, and similar attributes are key when coming into the “knowing”. Everything mentioned above is accurate and expressed veraciously. However, ignorantly myopic. Which is not a problem. There is a surprising admission and resulting revelation of responsibility in stating “me” as being my one & only obstacle since before until even now. Still, I am sorting everything out.

I wanted to say this. Darina & Parker as separate representations of each other each possessing and professing what the other could not and would not. They are nothing without each other, “Parker” lasted a lot less longer as a persona than “Darina” did and “Darina” is entirely too self-victimizing w/o the bravado of “Parker”. Together as each, as one, I am much better equipped to live. I am the Yin & I am the Yang. I am one in the same. The cohesion of Me & I. I am me. I am it. It being that ever elusive everything, every want, every desire, every lesson, every teacher, every student, every all of … me… is it.

I

AM

IT

&

IT

IS

G…