I was that person that was always stuck in a cyclical pattern of loving the wrong person. Always re-engaging in pessimistic patterning, my whole life it was always something I recognized, but couldn’t fully realize. I would tell myself over & over and I fully embraced my confession, but not once did I achieve comprehension. I had all the information & motivation, but possessed no self-subjugation. It was years upon years before I understood I was acting out of fear and that fear was my reciprocation and exception.
In order to cope I would hide my feelings and do the only thing I’d ever done when I didn’t want to deal, I justified and I ran. I ran from my greatest relationship failure, I ran hard and I acted as if she never meant a thing to me. The moment right after I told her how deeply I loved her. I left her. I abandoned her. I didn’t even do it in person, I told her through an email blaming her for the failed friendlationship, I took no responsibility for anything and told her I wanted nothing to do with her. Then to spite her for not begging me to stay I moved in with a girl she despised and I got into a relationship with a guy she couldn’t stand… within a week of the parting. Justify that!
Our friendlationship was to the point where I was going mad trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Never once realizing that throughout our entire friendlationship we were a projection of each others fears. Which makes sense why I treated her the way I did and then blamed her for it. Took me a long time to grasp that concept. Even longer to go through it.
Most people think moving on is about walking away, letting go, forgiving the other person, or being cool around them, etc…. Those are all parts that show you’re successively progressing, but in order to truly completely be able to move on you absolutely must acknowledge, profess, and accept responsibility for your actions/non-actions, for shaming, for guilting, your selfishness, your righteousness, juvenile pessimism, remiss retaliation, and all that other bullshit you did to invoke pain in another human being with whom you claim to be in love with. It is your fault it fell apart. It is your fault!
Moving on isn’t a 5 step process that once you complete you’re over it, moving on is not an eventuality where you wake up x amount of times later and it’s no longer an issue, moving on is not how soon you enter into another relationship/how much you hook up (that actually exacerbates the pain you feel) nope! None of that! NONE OF IT! THOSE ARE ALL TEMPORARY WAYS TO AVOID, DENY, and impede any actual progress! Moving onward isn’t possible without putting energy towards moving inward.
You have to make the choice whether or not you will move forward. You need to educate yourself in order to understand and overstand why & how you sabotaged the relationship, that it is your fault and why you cannot see how wrong you are about your role in the mess.
That’s goes for the other person as well. You are both 100% to blame for failure of this relationship and no one will move onward until he appropriate amount of time is focused on non-judgmentally self-assessing and tearing down years of the barriers you’ve built up in order to expose the root cause of this cyclical pattern. Only then can you appropriately and sufficiently heal yourself, alleviating your depression and release the deep pain and guilt you’ve been a slave to your entire life.
Once you have resolved that festering facade and faced the tribulations without using fear as the main source of energy… that is when you will be on the road to move on and that is how you will know you have made the right choices to change.
I know… right.
How do you know when you have achieved that goal? How do you know that you’re finally out of the woods and can say with absolute certainty you are successful in your goal? That you are no longer harboring those acrimonious attributes you once were? The moment in which you are no longer triggered by this person. Meaning, they no longer have any affect on you positive or negative and you value them for their part in you becoming a better person (which I hope you have). When you acknowledge each person’s contribution without haughtiness. The day you can thank them for their gift of the road map that helped you in finding yourself and alleviating decades of dissonance that have been suffocating & sabotaging you all your life.
Ironically, this is when you will be ready to finally love someone completely. By experiencing this process you’ve now learned how to rise in love with yourself. Which is what you were unable to do initially. Unable, to accept yourself, you protect yourself, but when the process is done correctly you will be thrilled to face any problem that come your way because you are certain of who and what you bring to the table.
It’s clear as day what destroys relationships. It’s not the lack of love for each other. It is the hatred we harbor of ourselves.
There’s nothing wrong with your partner. Most of the time it’s what you’re neglecting in yourself. You can either search for it deep within or pack your bags and call your parents to let them know you’re moving in!
It’s another new yet the same old opportunity to begin…again