This concept or portion of my journey, I feel as though, I could’ve already made a post about it. If there is one thing I am certain of it’s that physically, I’m stacked. I have the body everybody wants and the body everyone desires. I will allow that to settle in your thoughts momentarily.
However, now that I’ve stumbled, trundled & humble myself this deeply within my persona, it has come to mean something completely intrinsically different. Physically, I’ve been begging for the attention, adulation, acceptance & validation from everyone in order to feel superior to others.
That is an unbelievably profound confession. I have countless photos of my muscular-toned and sculpted hour glass figure to no known point of satiation. The reason I know for certain that I, despite how I seem in the physical world, I know my spirit is still broken because my very first thought whenever someone does anything that may cause me dismay or making me feel slight insignificance, the initial reaction I have in my mind is, “but I have such a nice body and I’m so cute and I’m smart…” my intellect is the third acknowledgement! The first two are physical follies that won’t and more often than not don’t really ever come in to play when deciding the significance of the personal connection to be shared.
Yet, my deep, unrelenting, need for absolution bereft of prosecution guides my unconscious and while I appear strong and well put together, I am actually lonely, afraid, desperate, and empty. Which, makes an astounding amount of sense when taking the way I dress, repress, stress, and lack personal progress.
I keep looking at the outward physical changes that I’ve been through over time and using this approach as a check point in my progress report and it it nothing short of unfulfilling & uninformative.
I need to take a look at the spirit and check progress by the actions committed when I was not influenced with outward focused rewards. Having revealed the real reasons I was negligent in trying to reconcile with my friend after we had a pointless fall out is the only way I would have ever been able to recognize thus in complete and unabashed expression I professed my internal struggles and how the plight of that unfortunate night doesn’t make my actions right.
I was able to take a look at real me, recognize my faults, took responsibility and my own expense & was able to physically conceive the obstacle that had been in my path all along. It has never been a person that has held me back. It has never been a situation that has discouraged me from achieving. It will never be anything of the sorts. It will always be and has always been my pride.
Ironically, the one aspect I’ve been running from my whole life shares connotation with the one thing I was running on.
My pride usurped my pride and until now all I could do was live a lie and deny, deny, deny.
Well, I know it now. There’s only one thing I can do from here…
Quell the spell from which I ail…